


Dragon Ball Guild

by Kereea



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Goku goes by Kakarrot becuase plot reasons, M/M, Not to be taken seriously, Other, Piccolo Sr and Jr. are both in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-19 02:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4729316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which I got bored and made a Dungeons and Dragons AU of Dragon Ball Z for little reason other than the amusement of myself and others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. DBG Prologue Abridged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the prologue for Dragon Ball Guild was giving me issues, thought I’d summarize it for comedic effect to see peoples’ reactions and maybe undo my block because I so am having better luck with the rest of the story. I promise only this part is written in this style, the rest is like a normal story.

Bardock and Gine: Hey, we think this Freeza guy is going to wipe out our people or something can you take our kids to safety when you go back to the other continent?  
Grandpa Gohan: You two are so freaking lucky I have a ton of points in sense motive and know you’re totally serious. Yeah, okay. Always kind of wanted grandkids.  
*Grandpa Gohan acquired an eleven year old Raditz and a one year old Kakarrot!*

.o.o.o.

Grandpa Gohan: Hey, kid, why aren’t you running around outside? Usually I can’t make you calm down.  
Raditz: Oh, on the full moon Saiyans turn into a giant monkeys called Oozaru if we look at it.  
Grandpa Gohan: …This is really the kind of thing your parents should have told me.  
Raditz: You didn’t ask.  
*the next full moon, Grandpa Gohan decided it would be fun to teach Raditz blindfighting. He’d teach Kakarrot once the kid could walk*

.o.o.o.

Raditz: Okay, Kakarrot! Now that you’re ten, we’re old enough to pay back the old man for saving our lives and raising you! And sort of me.  
Kakarrot: You could maybe try being nice and not calling grandpa and old man, that could be good!  
Raditz: Hahaha, no. We’re going to go on a quest to find him a student to teach the sage arts to! You know, since we can’t do magic. Let’s go!  
Kakarrot: Okay!  
Grandpa Gohan: Have fun, boys! Remember to write!

.o.o.o.

*Raditz and Kakarrot met Bulma!*  
Raditz: so, hey, you’re a wizard, want to be our Grandpa’s student?  
Bulma: That’s a terrible pick up line.  
Kakarrot: But…he didn’t pick you up.  
Raditz: Also, you’re hot but not my type.  
Bulma: Huh, well, anyway, I’m starting my own guild! You could join! Maybe you’ll meet a potential student on one of our quests! We could always use a hot guy—I mean, good fighter and his adorable ranger brother!  
Kakarrot: Sounds good!  
Raditz: Wait, find a student for the old man and also fight people? Why didn’t I think of this before?

.o.o.o.

*the guild met Yamcha!*  
Raditz: You’re too nice to be a bandit, how do you not suck at it?  
Yamcha: Practice?  
Raditz: Yeah, great. Okay, if you and the guildmaster start making kissy-faces, don’t do it around my brother. He might think you’re trying to eat each other if you make out.  
Yamcha: Uhh…  
Puar: Wow did you read this one wrong…  
*Yamcha was very embarrassed! Bulma acquired a second hot guy for the guild!*

.o.o.o.

Kakarrot: Are you a bard, then?  
Oolong: Best one there is! Especially if you need to really get your name out there, I offer great rates for starting adventurers, kid!  
Raditz: Didn’t Bulma say we needed to advertise?  
*Raditz and Kakarrot kidnapped Oolong!*  
Yamcha: _Really_ , guys? I am so sorry about them.

.o.o.o.

*The guild met Chichi!*  
Bulma: She’s adorable! We should hire her! That young and already a cleric? Think of how badass she’ll be!  
Raditz: We do need a healer…even if Yamcha has great aim with throwing potions.  
Oolong: I don’t know, too many kids in the guild and child labor laws might investigate.  
Raditz: Is that a no or an indication for one of us to put points towards some skill that helps with legal issues?  
Oolong: It’s a “wait.”  
Yamcha: Sure, there’s got to be some way to make us her first joining choice.  
Kakarrot: Hey, guys, Chichi and I are going to get married when we grow up!  
Yamcha: …Like that.  
*Chichi used surprise engagement! It’s super effective! Raditz fainted!*

.o.o.o.

*the guild met Krillin and Master Roshi!*  
Kakarrot: I wanna multiclass to marital artist! Krillin’s got sweet moves!  
Yamcha: I think you have to be lawful for that, buddy. And you and your brother are pretty firmly Chaotic Good.  
Raditz: I might actually be Chaotic Neutral.  
Yamcha: What, really?  
Raditz: Not many chances to not do good yet.  
Bulma: Martial Artists can be Chaotic, what are you talking about?  
Yamcha: Really? Huh feels like we’re breaking a rule here.  
Raditz: Screw it, my brother’s multiclassing and made a friend, what’s not to like?

.o.o.o.

*the guild met Lunch! (and her split personality Launch!)*  
Bulma: Wait, wait, so we get a nice healer druid and her badass nearly OP split personality? This could work…  
Puar: Unless the bad side eats me!  
Yamcha: Puar, she’s not going to eat you…  
Raditz: Yeah, cause cats don’t taste very good. So just never shapeshift into something tastier.  
Yamcha: You are not helping.

.o.o.o.

*the guild met the Red Ribbon Army!*  
Raditz: YES! Actual villains at last!  
Bulma: You’re cheering that evil exists, you know.  
Raditz: Ah-ha! Proof I am truly a Chaotic _Neutral_!  
*Bulma, Yamcha, and Oolong faceplamed! Launch cackled with her fellow CH.*

.o.o.o.

*the guild met Tien and Chaotzu*  
Kakarrot: Guys I don’t think they’re evil.  
Oolong: Kid, they’re assassins. You have to be evil to train as an assassin.  
Raditz: Okay, what is with the arbitrary alignment stuff for freaking job training? I’m sure there’s some very nice people who are assassins out there! Now lawful, mind you, but nice.  
Launch: Well the three eyed one can be as not-nice as he likes, because that badassery is hawt!  
Bulma: You mean hot.  
Launch: No, I mean on fire, rowr!  
*Tien and Chaotzu would eventually prove to be Not Evil! And then join! But Tien is not looking for a girlfriend yet, Launch, sorry.*

.o.o.o.

*the guild met Piccolo*  
Bulma: Let me guess: despite the Demon King for a dad and him trying to kill us twice, ou don’t think Piccolo is evil?  
Kakarrot: Well…he’s not good either but yeah.

.o.o.o.

Tien: Guys, there’s a lot of us now, especially if we count Kakarrot’s girlfriend and the two sages dropping in, so we need a base. Preferably near a town that sells potions because Bulma, Chaotzu, Lunch, and Krillin are starting to spend way too much of their time making them.  
Yamcha: He’s got a point. What about this valley on the map? There’s a town right over the mountain and no one seems to own the land.  
Krillin: Won’t there be a lot of bandits there, though, if it’s unclaimed land?  
Bulma: All right, guys, competition! Person who beats up the most bandits gets the first pick of the rooms in the new guild headquarters!  
Kakarrot: All right!  
*Chichi got first pick of rooms in the first guild headquarters!*

.o.o.o.

Bulma: …Raditz has a crush on Yamcha?  
Kakarrot: Uh-huh.  
Bulma: And never said anything…?  
Chichi: Because you and Yamcha were dating, duh.  
Krillin: He’s Chaotic Neutral, not rude.  
Bulma: Excuse me, I need to go set my ex up with a Saiyan.  
Kakarrot: Have fun!  
Chichi: Tch. I knew she was over Yamcha two breakups ago. Healthy relationships don’t work like that!  
Krillin: You’d think the older guild members would know better. We saw it a mile away!

.o.o.o.

Raditz: So…are you just done trying to kill us or what?  
Piccolo: Look, I’ve got a little brother now, and if I piss you guys off I can’t ask you to babysit if my dads start fighting again.  
Kakarrot: I don’t know, your dad’s seemed chill lately.  
Piccolo: Just wait for it.  
*by the time Dende was three, Demon King Piccolo had tried to take over three mountains, two towns, a lake, and a small pub*  
Kakrrot: Piccolo was not kidding.

.o.o.o.

*Gohan Jr. was born after his parents got married!*  
Kakarrot: Okay, so, I know Saiyans don’t go Oozaru until like, two…but how soon do we start full-moon blindfolding a hybrid?  
Chichi: This does seem like a tricky area for trial and error parenting…let’s start when he starts walking.  
Kakarrot: Hey, he’s only a year younger than Piccolo’s little brother! They can be friends!  
Raditz: You think everyone can be friends, Kakarrot.  
Kakarrot: Do not! I didn’t try to make friends with the Pilaf gang! Maybe I shouldn’t let you hold your nephew!  
Raditz: Don’t be hasty, little brother!  
*Raditz eventually got to hold Gohan Jr.*

.o.o.o.

Raditz: Crud.  
Kakarrot: What?  
Raditz: We never found the old man a student! We never finished our first quest!  
Kakarrot: …Yamcha can do magic, right?  
Raditz: You really expect me to tell the old man his new student is my boyfriend who we’ve known for almost ten years now?  
Kakarrot: Yep!  
Raditz: Yeah, okay. Yams has been feeling a bit outclassed lately anyway.  
*Yamcha began sage training! And Kakarrot and Raditz finally accomplished their first quest over a decade after starting it*

*Two years later, Vegeta and Nappa arrived*


	2. Saiyan Search

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, the actual story starts here!

It had taken well over a year of planning. 

First there had been the rumors. Vegeta and Nappa had never been entirely convinced that Freeza had gotten all of the Saiyans, if only because they were useful and far-spread. But they’d been certain that if there were any others, they would be under Freeza’s command. 

The rumors from across the sea said otherwise. Merchants who reacted when they saw Vegeta and Nappa’s tails, claiming they’d seen people like that in their homeland. 

So there were potentially other Saiyans out there. They just had to find them. Hence the planning.

After killing the group of Freeza’s men they’d been with followed by a truly amazing amount of bluff, hide, and run checks (the middle of which Vegeta almost always nearly bungled), they’d managed to get on a ship across the ocean. Given their timing on killing the group—right after checking in with Freeza—they’d have a decent amount of time before he started trying to hunt them down. 

Hopefully, anyway.

“I cannot believe you got that seasick on a river. You were fine with the ocean,” Vegeta complained.

“Sorry, Prince Vegeta, couldn’t help it. Maybe rivers give me a higher penalty for nausea?” Nappa offered.

“That sounds utterly ridiculous.”

“Prince Vegeta, we live in a world where you can drink potions that can help you lie better.”

“Because the potion enhances one’s ability to bluff, Nappa!” Vegeta said. “That’s completely different from river travel giving different penalties than ocean travel!”

“If you say so,” Nappa shrugged. 

They’d been following rumors of a guild with two members with tails. Not exactly much to go on but “person with exceptional physical prowess” was not enough of an identifier on its own. 

“Are we sure it’s not a trap?” Vegeta mused aloud. “Any Saiyan in hiding would naturally hide their tails.”

“Or cut them off,” Nappa said, shuddering. “But then it took months to get across the ocean. Maybe they don’t know they have to be in hiding? The news didn’t travel well?”

“It’s been over twenty years since Freeza took over, how would they not know to be in hiding?” Vegeta asked. 

“Well, Freeza never did too much that had to do with other continents, at least not yet,” Nappa reasoned. “They probably just think of him as some weird warlord in another country that has nothing to do with them.”

“But a Saiyan wouldn’t think that!” Vegeta argued.

“Don’t think anyone would even need to make a listen check to hear that…” Nappa mused. “Look, maybe they were kids when it happened. Like…like how Raditz and his brother just up and vanished. Man would it be weird if this was them the whole time!”

“A bard would have a field day and I would maim Raditz for never thinking to come back and help,” Vegeta said.

“Oh come on, Vegeta, what was one more warrior going to do? Especially Raditz? Good pal, but not really that strong,” Nappa said. 

“People aren’t reacting to the sight of us as much as the last town,” Vegeta noted after some time had passed. “We must be getting close.”

“…Should we try asking someone?” Nappa asked. They weren’t trying to draw too much attention to themselves. But they’d have to eventually.

“You do it,” Vegeta said. “I’ll keep watch.”

Nappa finally picked a little old lady out of the crowd. She was unarmed and encumbered by produce. Definite non-threat. He put on his best polite face, “Excuse me, miss?”

 “Yes?” she asked.

“Have you seen two guys around here who have tails like us?” Nappa asked. Great, Vegeta was already making a face at the niceties. “We’ve been looking for them for a while.”

“Yes,” she said.

Vegeta blinked and Nappa grinned at how easy that was. 

“Really?” Nappa asked.

“They’re from the Guild of the Z Warriors,” the woman said. 

“…That what?” Vegeta asked blankly.

“The Z Warriors,” the woman repeated. “Their nice druid helped me save my cat once. Their guildhall his up in the mountains.”

“…That is their actual name, you are not joking with us?” Vegeta tried to clarify. 

“Yes,” the woman said, nodding emphatically.

“Wow, who names themselves after the last letter in their standard alphabet?” Nappa mused.

“I’m sure they had…some sort of reason,” Vegeta said. Nappa would give him that, but he wondered what it was. 

“But they have two guys with tails like us?” Nappa asked.

“Yes. One almost as tall as you, oh he has the wildest hair. He and his nice young man deal with a lot of the dire bear problems around here,” she said. “And another young man, even wilder hair, he’s the sweetest thing. Loves to convince the local dinosaurs to give children rides.”

Other than the first Saiyan sounding like it may have been Raditz—wait, nice young man, who had the guy picked up?—none of that made much sense. 

“The Z Warriors are very helpful, really…oh, that’s two of them there,” the woman said. “The man with the three eyes and his little friend.”

Vegeta and Nappa looked over to where she was pointing. A bald man who indeed had three eyes and a tiny snow-white person were chatting with a shopkeeper. The three-eyed man was pinching the bridge of his nose and the small one had his hands on his hips and was tapping his foot.

“Thanks,” Nappa said as he and Vegeta started over.

“Look, Korin’s rules,” the shopkeeper was saying. “Senzu beans are only available when he’s here to decide if you’re worthy.”

“We just want to stock back up, Yajirobe,” the three eyes man groaned. “And Korin said we were worthy last time. And the time before that. We still have a senzu bean to prove it.”

“Sorry, Tien, rules are rules,” the shopkeeper said. “And if Chaotzu tries the old telekinetic discount it’s your third strike.”

“The first two strikes were over five years ago!” the smaller one, presumably Chaotzu, argued. “Come on.”

“This is because Chaotzu ate some of your sushi at that festival, isn’t it?” Tien asked, folding his arms and frowning.

“Are you from the Guild of the Z Warriors?” Vegeta asked.

“Yeah, who’s…asking…?” Tien trailed off upon spotting Vegeta’s tail. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Vegeta asked.

“Looking for Raditz and Kakarrot, huh?” Chaotzu asked them.

“How did you guess?” Nappa asked.

“Raditz always said to aim other Saiyans at him, and if you two aren’t Saiyans than I have an even number of eyes,” Tien scoffed. 

“So it’s really them…” Vegeta mused. “They are members of your guild?

“More we’re members of theirs, they helped found it with Yamcha, and Bulma, the guildmaster,” Tien said.

“Interesting, how old is this guild?” Vegeta asked. 

“Eh, over ten years,” Tien said.

“But Kakarrot would have been a child!” Vegeta said.

“A child very good at punching and filling you full of arrows,” Tien muttered, twitching in a way Nappa assumed was involuntarily. 

“So many arrows,” Chaotzu agreed. 

“Well, how about that,” Nappa said. “So… you know what happened to the Saiyans?”

“Something about them getting wiped out, yeah,” Tien said somberly. “Guys’ll probably be glad to hear some made it out. Raditz doesn’t talk about it much but…yeah…”

Nappa wondered how Raditz had been affected by this. Kakarrot had been too young to even speak but Raditz had been nearly twelve. How had he dealt with the change with the loss of their race? Of leaving home for another land?

Vegeta nodded. “We will speak with them. Now.” 

“Let’s try this again,” Tien said, folding his arms. “I’m Tienshinhan and this is Chaotzu. And you are?”

“I am Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyan Race…such as it is,” Vegeta said. “This is Nappa, a former general and my former bodyguard.”

“Well, Vegeta and Nappa, sure we’ll take you to see our friends,” Tien said.   
Nappa hoped the guy wasn’t going to expect normalized social interactions out of Vegeta. The guy had been under Freeza since age six. Social skills has never been on the docket, and Nappa wouldn’t claim he was the best teacher. 

“That sounds great, let’s go!”

Vegeta nodded his assent and they followed the duo out of town, towards the mountains.


	3. The Walk

“So, you know Raditz and Kakarrot?” Tien asked the two Saiyans as they set out for the guild hall.

“We ran in the same circles as kids—well, me and Raditz, Vegeta was still kind of young and Kakarrot was a baby,” Nappa said. 

“Huh. Yeah, we met a few years ago,” Tien said. “Were trying to kill him and his guild on false info. They invited us in and we’ve been there ever since.”

“…That sounds suspiciously simplified,” Vegeta said. 

“No, really?” Tien asked. Like he was spelling it out to a stranger. Honestly. “From what I know they were adopted by the sage Gohan as his grandkids.”  
He hoped they focused on that and didn’t try to ask more about him and Chaotzu, or, if they did, Chaotzu could answer. The sorcerer was way better at bluff checks than him. 

“What’s a sage?” Vegeta asked.

“It’s sort of a prestige class. Most people start as martial artists or wizards,” Tien said. “Son Gohan is the current Tiger Sage, Master Roshi is the current Turtle Sage, and Ma….a man named Shen is the Crane Sage.”

“Prestige classes can be kind of interesting. I know a few guys back home tried it out,” Nappa said. “Was considering this cool fighter-cleric hybrid myself for a while.”

“Yeah, but a lot of clerics can already mix it up like fighters if they want,” Chaotzu said. Tien nodded in agreement, thinking of Chichi. 

“Yeah, that was why I decided not to do it. Plus it needed some feats that really seemed kind of wasteful,” Nappa agreed.

“You two both fighters?” Tien asked.

“Warriors,” Vegeta said firmly.

“Ah, yeah, Raditz says that too, sorry,” Tien said. He tactfully left out that over here “warrior” could also mean an NPC class.

“So, this Son Gohan? Is he powerful?” Vegeta asked.

“Well, yeah, but he’s gotten older and doesn’t fight much anymore,” Chaotzu said. “Can still kick a lot of our butts when he feels like it…”

“So wizards become sages…it requires magic then?” Vegeta asked, clearly more interested in talking about skills than people. It was kind of weird.

“Yeah, sages use magic, in addition to physical and ki attacks. It’s why Kakarrot and Raditz didn’t try to become their grandpa’s students,” Tien said. “But, hey, there’s plenty of other magic users out there.”

“Don’t I know it,” Vegeta muttered. 

“So, this guild of yours, is it pretty big?” Nappa asked.

“Eh, as guilds go,” Chaoztu said. “A lot of people who’ve hired us recently have said we’re pretty powerful too, which is nice of them.”

“That or Oolong’s been upping the advertising again,” Tien said. The bard might not have been one for combat but finding jobs was something the pig did very, very well. 

“Hey, is that someone else going our way?” Nappa asked, nodding up the road.

“What the—hey, Piccolo! Dende! Over here!” Chaotzu called. 

The taller Namekian turned to look at them while the smaller one ran over at once.

“Hey guys!” Dende said as he reached Chaotzu. “What’s going on?”

“Pair of Saiyans who say they know Raditz,” Tien said. “What about with you, Dende?”

“What do you think?” the child asked dryly. “They’re at it again. I sent Piccolo a letter to please come get me and here I am.”

“Ouch. Sorry to hear that,” Chaotzu said. “How long you think you’ll be here?”

“Is until I’m an adult too long?” Dende asked.

“Yeah, probably,” Tien admitted. Great, the Saiyans were looking at them like they were nuts. 

“I’m willing to watch Gohan and go on missions to pay for his board,” Piccolo said. 

“Hey, we can always use you,” Tien said. 

“Thanks. Oh, and my sire might be raising a demon army in the mountains, heads up.”

“Wait, what?” Chaotzu asked as everyone turned to stare at Piccolo and Dende groaned.

“It’s not like they call him Demon King Piccolo for nothing, guys,” Piccolo muttered. “Demon army is kind of his standby.”

“Your dad is raising a demon army over domestic issues? Dende, I take it back, you can stay until you’re an adult,” Tien sighed. 

“Yeah! I can train you to be a sorcerer just fine!” Chaotzu agreed. “So, Dende, how about we go on ahead so they can set you and Piccolo’s room up?”

“Oh, okay! Can I go, brother?” Dende asked.

“Get moving,” Piccolo said, waving them off.

“Come, on, let’s fly!” Chaotzu declared, seizing the small Namekian and taking off. 

“…Demon army. Piccolo, your dad is an evil jackass,” Tien said as soon as they were out of sight. 

“Tell me about it,” Piccolo said. “He was prepping the summoning before I was even done packing.”

“…And Kami just let him?”

“No, my father was walking behind my sire and just mucking up all the summoning symbols after he drew them.”

“…They were still in the same house?” Tien was starting to think they didn’t give Piccolo enough credit for clinging to his sanity well into adulthood.

“That’s why we got over here so fast,” Piccolo said. “So, your guests are looking pretty shocked.”

“Oh, hey, yeah it’s not normally this bad. At least, not demon army bad,” Tien said. 

The Saiyans were both staring at him wide-eyed. It was practically the first time Vegeta had stopped glaring. 

“You think a demon army is no big deal?” Nappa asked.

“Eh. It’d be the third one the guy’s pulled out,” Tien said.

“As I said, it’s his standby. If we’re lucky he’ll just try to take over that pub again,” Piccolo added. “What, demons an issue where you’re from?”

“They can be,” Vegeta said, shrugging. He seemed to regain his composure. 

“Though I must worry for Raditz and Kakarrot’s sanity around you lot.” 

“Please, Kakarrot’s one of the main instigators of crazy around here,” Piccolo said. “And Raditz isn’t much better…”

“Eh, Raditz is a tossup, he can be responsible when he wants,” Tien said. 

“Which is never,” Piccolo insisted. 

“You’re plenty chaotic yourself, buddy,” Tien shot back.

“And yet I don’t cause as much trouble.”

“Used to.”

“So did you.”

“…Is this a bad time?” Nappa ventured. Vegeta was back to scowling. 

“…No,” Piccolo said. Tien was pretty sure he’s failed the bluff check because of the look Nappa gave him for it.

Tien kind of wished a big hole would just open and swallow them all by that point.

.o.o.o.

“Hey, Raditz!” Chaotzu called as he spotted the Saiyan chowing down on a huge bowl of apples on the roof. “There’s some other Saiyans here to see you!”

“What?” the large man yelled, his tail twitching in shock as he stood. 

“Yeah! They’re called Nappa and Vegeta,” Chaotzu said, keeping himself and Dende hovering in front of Raditz, as landing wouldn’t even put them at waist-height. 

“Nappa and Vegeta? They’re…alive?” Raditz asked.

“Yeah! Tien and Piccolo are with them, they’re coming here now with Tien and Piccolo,” Chaotzu said. “…And Dende’s bags.”

“Aw, crud kid, dads being idiots again?” Raditz asked, glancing at Dende.

“I’m getting used to it,” the Namekian replied drolly.

“Chaotzu, drop Dende with someone who can get him a room and then go find my brother. He and Chichi are teaching Gohan to swim,” Raditz said, leaping off the roof and running towards the road. 

“How about I just go with you?” Dende asked. “I’d like to see Gohan.”

“Yeah, let’s try that” Chaotzu said. 

They flew over the mountain and down into the valley to the lake. 

“See them?” Chaotzu asked.

“Yep, there!” Chaotzu said. “You yell, I’ll land.”

“HEY! Gohan, Chichi, Kakarrot!” Dende hollered. 

“Dende!” Gohan laughed, pushing his wet hair back. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh no, did something happen?” Chichi asked, standing out of the water as Chaotzu and Dende landed.

“Two somethings,” Chaotzu said. “Guys, there’s more Saiyans!”

“What?” Kakarrot and Chichi both asked as Gohan gaped.

“Two of them,” Dende said. “Raditz seemed to recognize the names and ran up the road. My brother and Tienshinhan are with them.”

 “Whoa, maybe I’d better get going,” Kakarrot said, grabbing his gi and bow off the ground.

“And Dende and Piccolo need a room,” Chaotzu added.

“We’ll get on that, and tell the others about our guests,” Chichi said. “Come on, boys. Gohan, get dressed faster. Chaotzu, can you help Kakarrot catch up with his brother?”

“Yeah, I do seem to be playing bus today,” Chaotzu said. “Telekinesis!”

“Aw, am I really that much heavier than Dende?” Kakarrot teased.

“Lots of people are like lead compared to Namekians,” Chaotzu replied. 

“Seriously, stunned they’re so sturdy for weighing so little.”

“No way.”

“They do only drink water,” Chaotzu said. 

“Now I know you’re pulling my leg,” Kakarrot huffed. “Water’s plenty heavy.”

“Yeah, I’m messing with you. Dende’s just small and you’ve got a lot of muscle,” Chaotzu laughed. 

“So, what were these guys like?” Kakarrot asked.

“Well, Vegeta seemed kind of like a jerk, but Nappa seemed nice enough. He’s a big guy, even bigger than your brother.”

“What? No way, Raditz is huge!” Kakarrot said. 

“He’s only got seven inches on you and Tien,” Chaotzu pointed out.

“Well those seven inches feel like a whole size class,” Kakarrot pouted. 

“Says the guy to someone actually in a smaller size class,” Chaotzu pointed out, peeved. 

“Oh…sorry! Hey, there’s Raditz!”

Chaotzu let Kakarrot land a bit in front of Raditz so Kakarrot could keep pace with him as his brother ran, “Hey bro, heard the news! Aren’t they the guys you knew as a kid?”

“Yeah!” Raditz said. 

“Betcha Oolong would be lecturing us about ‘nominal importance’ right now…” Chaotzu mused as the other group came into view.

“Holy shit! Raditz!” Nappa yelled as soon as he saw his old friend, charging forward and sweeping Raditz into one hell of a bear hug. “You’re alive!”

“So are you, now put me down you stupid lug!” Raditz laughed.

“Who are you calling stupid, stupid—hey, Kakarrot! Wow did you grow, you used to be the size of my fist!” Nappa said. 

“Whoa, seriously?” Kakarrot asked, looking at Nappa’s fists. “I know they’re big, but that’s tiny for a person!”

“You have a kid who is five, how do you not remember how small babies are?” Raditz asked.

“Because I never had Nappa’s fists to compare Gohan to?” Kakarrot offered.

“Wait, I thought Gohan was the guy who took you in?” Nappa asked as Tien, Vegeta, and Piccolo reached them. 

“Yeah, he is. Kakarrot just named his son after the old man,” Raditz said. 

“You have a son? With who?” Vegeta asked.

“My wife,” Kakarrot said.

“Chichi. She’s only mostly human, like Tien but with a normal number of eyes,” Raditz said.

“Watch it,” Tien said.

“Huh, what about you?” Vegeta asked Raditz. “Did you decide to have children too?”

“Ah-ha…no,” Raditz said. “Not into women. Even the hot ones. Nice to see you again too, Vegeta.”

“Hmm,” Vegeta said. “I suppose I should not spoil the reunion by pointing out we are the only four Saiyans left, our race crushed beneath Freeza’s heel, and you two were off doing whatever on the other side of an ocean?”

“No, no you shouldn’t,” Raditz said.

“But didn’t he just…?” Kakarrot asked before Raditz elbowed him.

“Vegeta always has the charisma score of a half dead roach when he’s mad, he’s not making a diplomacy check any time soon,” his brother hissed. 

“But he still just said…”

“Let it go, dude’s probably had a rough time of it,” Raditz hissed.

“Okay fine. Hope no one’s making listen checks for this…” Kakarrot said. “So um…now what?”

“Now we explain to Bulma why she should let to relatively powerful people stay in her building when any information we have on them is either from over twenty years ago or from the men in question,” Piccolo said. “…Dibs on not having to tell her.”

“Not it!” the other four guild members yelled, with Raditz being slightly behind since he’d turned back to talk with Nappa. “Aw, shit.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Chichi and Tien are both not entirely human. Chichi has minotaur ancestry thru the Ox King and no one really knows about Tien since he’s an orphan. No one knows what Chaotzu is either, but he gets a Charisma bonus (for being small and cute and seemingly nonthreatening) so they’re pretty sure he’s not human.


	4. Some Discussions Required

“So how long until Raditz barges in here and starts trying to talk me into letting these new guys stay?” Bulma asked.

“What makes you think it’ll be Raditz?” Chichi asked as she, Bulma, Lunch, and Yamcha hurried to get two spare rooms ready at once.

“He’s the slowest on calling dibs,” Bulma said. “Always has been.”

“From day one,” Yamcha agreed. “Though Piccolo probably is the one who first called it and he’d probably wait until as many other people as possible were distracted.”

“Raditz does distract pretty easily,” Lunch admitted. “But you’re going to let them stay, right Bulma? We are setting up a room already.”

“Well, yeah. But no reason not to make them sweat a bit, figure out what they’re willing to do for board. I’m not some charity, you know,” Bulma said.

“Well, I’m going to go reinforce all the anti-demon wards around the premises, if what Dende had to say about his father is true. Poor Kami, he needs to just kick that jerk to the curb once and for all,” Chichi sighed, heading out.

“Yeah, at least we had the excuse of being teens when we were doing the off-again on-again thing,” Yamcha said.

“And I never summoned demons over it,” Bulma said. “I only even hexed you twice!”

“Three times,” Puar called from where he was cleaning out some drawers. “That time you blasted him over a waterfall counts.”

“Wow, really?” Bulma asked.

“It hurt like hell and Lunch had to use multiple healing spells,” Yamcha said.

“Oh. Sorry!” Bulma said.

“When you think about it, you two were terrible for each other,” Lunch said, tapping her chin.

“ _I_ never threw anyone off any waterfalls,” Yamcha argued.

“You wouldn’t have lived through it, bub,” Bulma replied.

“Which is why it’s a good thing you broke up and Yamcha is with me,” Raditz said smugly as he came into the room. “I’d never throw you off a waterfall, babe.”

“...That’s both sweet and kind of awkward,” Yamcha said, grinning anyway.

“Isn’t it, though?” Raditz beamed. “So, Bulma, I see you already have a room-”

“That does not imply permission, yes you still need to ask,” she said folding her arms.

“Well, I know them-”

“From over twenty years ago, not a stellar character reference,” Bulma said.

“Aw, come on, can’t you make this easy?” Raditz whined.

“Let’s see you grovel,” Bulma said.

“Bulma!” Lunch and Yamcha said.

“All right, all right, the boys get a chance,” Bulma said. “…Are they cute?”

“…I guess?” Raditz offered. “Never really thought about them like that. I mean, do you still find brooding hot? Vegeta’s totally brooding…”

“I’m going to leave before this gets even weirder,” Yamcha said, heading for the door.

“Oh no, I’m not doing this alone!” Raditz said, grabbing Yamcha before he could leave.

“I am not standing here while you and Bulma debate your friends’ relative hotness,” Yamcha said.

“I don’t _want_ to debate my friends’ hotness!” Raditz hissed.

Bulma started laughing, “Oh this is too good! Okay, okay, seriously though, Raditz, what’s their story?”

“Vegeta’s dad, the king-”

“Ooh, a prince. I don’t think you ever said you were pals with a _prince_ ,” Bulma mused.

“The king lent Vegeta to Freeza as sort of a ‘hey, see, we can’t overthrow you, you have my son’ thing,” Raditz said. “With Nappa as his guard. So when Freeza killed everyone he spared Vegeta because he’s an asshole who likes traumatizing kids, apparently. So Vegeta and Nappa hung out where they were, and when they heard rumors of Kakarrot and me from travelling merchants—might need to do something about that, who knows if Freeza knows—planned an escape and came here.”

“I’m kind of with Bulma, that leaves a long period of time unaccounted for,” Yamcha said. “Do we know what they were doing?”

“What Freeza said, I guess?” Raditz offered. “You know, keep your head down and do what the epic level evil lunatic says?”

“Still, we’re not really sure of their alignments…even if it’s not entirely their fault, I’d be surprised if you could be in a situation like that and not end up on at the very least the southern edge of Neutral,” Bulma said. “I’ll give them some leniency but if they’re a threat…”

“Chlorine elementals locked in a room with them?” Raditz sighed.

“Oh, Raditz, _honey_ I have so many worse combos than chlorine now…” Bulma said. “What did they want again?”

“Safe place to hang out and help defeating Freeza if we think we can do it.”

“Huh…sounds like a solid quest,” Bulma said. “Maybe they’re our new adventure, we haven’t had as such to do since Gohan was born…”

“You’re telling me,” Oolong said, coming in. “Saw them from the porch, they’ll be here in a few minutes. You know…are we their adventure, instead of them being ours?”

“Huh, it always gets like that when the quest givers want in on the quest…” Bulma mused.

“Unless it’s an escort mission,” Yamcha said.

“I hate those so much,” Raditz said.

“Huh, kind of existential when you think about it. Are we part of their story or they a part of ours?” Oolong wondered as his bardic nature kicked in.

“Well, they’re the ones with the big quest right now…guys, I do not want to be a side character,” Bulma said. “Bad things happen to them if they’re leaders!”

“I totally have a quest, what are you talking about?” Raditz laughed.

“Getting into Yamcha’s pants tonight is not a quest,” Bulma said.

“Leaving!” Yamcha squawked, running out the door.

“Well _now_ it’s not!” Raditz complained. “Thanks a lot, Bulma…”

“Whoops,” Bulma said. “…You could try that thing with his ear, you know, the-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Raditz said. “Better wait for him to calm down first though.”

.o.o.o.

Vegeta scanned the guild. They looked like a ragtag bunch of misfits, but then so did a bunch of Freeza’s army. Okay, _they_ looked like ragtag misfits in matching armor, but still.

“Raditz tells me you want to join,” the guildmaster said. She was obviously a wizard as had been claimed, but she did not have the fragility most pure-spellcasters in Freeza’s forces often seemed to radiate. She acted as though she was made of sterner stuff than a fully armored fighter.

“That is correct,” Vegeta said, still evaluating her. Was her magic so mighty she felt she could act with impunity? Or was her personality merely like that? He wasn’t sure which would be worse.

“And apparently want help defeating some epic level conqueror, huh?” Bulma asked.

“If you think you can,” Vegeta said.

“Give me the details and I’m sure I’ll have something workable,” she boasted. “Assming you’re capable of it.”

Of all the impudent-! “Do you know who I am?”

“Pretty sure Raditz said you were Vegeta and he’s Nappa. He said Vegeta was the broody one.”

Raditz looked appropriately terrified at that tidbit getting out.

“Thing is, we don’t know if we can trust you,” a male human with long hair said.

“And you are?” Nappa asked as Vegeta swallowed his rage. Any attempts at a diplomacy check right now would no doubt be horribly botched.

“Yamcha, founding member,” Yamcha said. “And we’re trying to figure out if we can trust you guys. No offense, but you came out of nowhere and our intel is really out of date.”

“We’re willing to prove we’re trustworthy,” Nappa said.

“Naturally,” Vegeta agreed. Part of him was honestly pleased they weren’t too trusting, it might make it harder for Freeza to track him down.

“Hmm…” Bulma said, tapping her chin. “Oolong, how about you give them the tour while the rest of us come up with some idea of how to figure out if we can trust them?”

Oolong—a talking pig, apparently—agreed and Vegeta and Nappa followed him out.

.o.o.o.

“Opening the floor to ideas,” Yamcha sighed. “I’ve got nothing.”

“Hat to say it, but me too,” Bulma admitted. “Short of using magic on their minds which, yeah it’s ethically sketchy on a good day and they don’t seem the type to put up with it. And none of us are good at making truth potions.”

“Why not send them on a mission with Raditz and Kakarrot?” Tien suggested. “Everyone sees where everyone else stands and we get a good grasp of Vegeta and Nappa’s skills and how much we can trust them.”

“Sounds good, but I want to send a six person party, give Raditz and Goku some backup,” Bulma said.

“We won’t need backup, I know these guys!” Raditz complained.

“You knew them over twenty years ago, that’s totally different,” Piccolo said.

“Yeah, less than eight years ago Piccolo was daddy’s little hellspawn,” Krillin said, cringing as Piccolo glared at him. “I’m saying people can clearly change!”

“Look, there’s this old lair,” Bulma sighed. “A leftover from the Red Ribbon Army before they pulled back. I want to raid it for their stuff. You four take Yamcha, because you’ll need a rogue to get in. And one more person.”

“If I’m bringing Yamcha, he’s bringing Chichi,” Raditz said, nodding at his brother.

“No way! Piccolo Sr.’s going demon king again, we’re keeping our cleric here!” Bulma said.

“Well we might need someone who can heal,” Raditz said.

“It can't be me,” Lunch said. "I'm going to be in the woods tomorrow. Some farmers are having trouble with how some beavers dammed the river."

"Well, we all want to prevent beaver bloodshed," Kakarrot agreed. "But...well, that does leave us out. I mean, Dende's only a kid..."

“And Dende goes nowhere without me,” Piccolo added.

“Okay, look, you four are Saiyan,” Yamcha said. “You can probably tank what we meet or at least survive enough to where a potion will work. I’ll bring a senzu in case we get desperate. Just pick a sixth who won’t _die_.”

“Tien, want to go breaking and entering?” Kakarrot asked, grinning innocently.

“Yeah, sure,” Tien sighed.

“All right, it’s settled. Nappa and Vegeta can join if they perform well on Operation: Raid an Old Red Ribbon Army Base!” Bulma declared.

.o.o.o.

While Vegeta and the guildmaster hammered out mission specifics, such as their cut of the reward for succeeding, Nappa helped himself to Kakarrot’s woman’s food, “This is great!”

“Isn’t it?” Kakarrot beamed, helping his son reach more of the oily fried wraps called “egg rolls.”

Nappa wondered why the Namekians weren’t eating. Maybe it was some religious thing. “You guys fasting or something?”

“Namekians subsist on water alone,” Piccolo said calmly.

“Though we can sometimes have flavored liquids of low calorie count,” Dende said, looking hopeful.

“I’ll see if Bulma has some of that weird rainbow water stuff when she’s done,” Piccolo said.

“Rainbow water?” Nappa asked.

“There’s this flavored water some guy came up with for Namekian kids. Comes in different colors for different flavors,” Raditz said between mouthfuls. “Total waste on other species, though, not filling at all.”

“Yeah, cause it’s _water_ ,” Puar pointed out. “You’d drink a river and not feel full.”

“Yeah, probably,” Raditz agreed. “Not meet many Namekians, Nappa?”

“Never long enough to dine with them.” Probably best to put it like that.

“Fine, fine, you each get a fifteen percent cut! New stop negotiating with turkey in your mouth!” Bulma groaned, waving her hand at Vegeta.

“Huh, bad table manners as a negotiating tactic. We should remember that,” Yamcha told Chichi.

“We should,” she agreed, eyeing Kakarrot as he practically inhaled some bread.

“So you’re a cleric, right?” Nappa asked. Clerics could be really dangerous. One of Cooler’s top guys was a cleric.

“Of Pele, yes,” she said. “And the Saiyans used to worship…Beerus, right? Raditz mentioned him once.”

“Fat lot of good he did us,” Vegeta snorted.

Nappa tried to subtly signal not to continue that topic but apparently Kakarrot was too dense for that to work. “Why? What did Beerus do?”

“Nothing,” Vegeta said, loading up his plate and standing. “He did nothing as our people fell.”

As Vegeta left the room with his food everyone turned to look at Nappa.

“Uh…Beerus is kind of a sore spot for Vegeta. He was really devout as a kid, you probably remember, Raditz…”

“Yeah. Not intervention at all? Weird,” Raditz sighed.

“I could look into it, if you wanted?” Chichi asked. “Maybe there was a reason?”

“…I don’t know. Vegeta really wouldn’t like it,” Nappa hedged.

Judging by the looks Chichi shared with Raditz and Kakarrot, they were going to do it anyway. Well, he’d warned them, his hands were clean.

Ooh, pie!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always headcanoned that Nappa would like pie and the chapter was getting away from me in length s I cut it there. Next time we'll get how everyone deals with this big shift to their lives before bed.  
> As for alignments, I see Vegeta naturally residing between Chaotic and True Neutral (depending on mood) without any external influences. However at this point in his life he is just barely above Neutral Evil. Nappa's generally in True Neutral.


	5. Night Musings

“So…that went well,” Nappa offered.

Vegeta huffed, finishing the last of his pilfered produce. “The wizard is unbearable. This may not last.”

“Oh come on, we’ve worked under way more egotistical than her,” Nappa pointed out.

Freeza flashed through Vegeta’s mind. “True. But Freeza was not so…strange about it!”

Freeza was powerful and they had to do what he said otherwise he’d turn that power on them. Vegeta had no idea how powerful the woman was and she’d made no displays of it, but Raditz and Kakarrot followed her led easily enough. Then again, if he remembered correctly, their father had a similarly forceful personality. Perhaps Raditz had gravitated towards the familiar and Kakarrot had followed his lead?

“So, uh after you left I got some info on the setup for tomorrow and how the four we’re working with generally work,” Nappa said. “Yamcha’s pretty much going to be playing pure rogue, checking for traps and treasure, getting us in and around, that kind of thing. Pretty sure he’s the one who can take the least hits. Tien’s got assassin training so he has a few arcane spells, but he’s mostly melee like us. Kakarrot should probably be kept at range since he’s got a bow, but can fight unarmed. Raditz needs to get close unless he’s using ki but will probably be playing meat shield for his guy.”

“I see,” Vegeta said. His own swordsmanship would probably put him near the front with the rogue and Raditz. “Great Clave might be of use, then.”

It would be if Raditz’s blunt hitting did not damage certain enemies, anyway. Sometimes you needed a good, clean cut.

“Yeah, probably,” Nappa agreed. “Think I’ll end up in the back with Kakarrot once we need to make a formation. You know, use me to prevent us getting flanked.”

Vegeta nodded. Nappa was skilled with a variety of weapons, but the heavy flail he’d ended up grabbing before they’d skipped out on Freeza seemed to work better defensively. Unless he got really lucky and set up a straight-on head smack.

“Still, surprisingly low on spellcasters,” Vegeta noted.

“Well, technically Yamcha _can_ cast spells he just isn’t playing a spellcaster role unless something really weird goes down,” Nappa said. “Also according to that Piccolo guy the Red Ribbon Army specialized in golems and other constructs, so we might trigger some traps that activate them…you know, if Yamcha doesn’t find the traps so we avoid them.”

“But what about actual members of the army?” Vegeta asked.

“Hrm…I think that Chaotzu guy mentioned some strong assassins and clerics,” Nappa said. “Some dude whose name had pie in it, too.”

“And you fixated on the pie no doubt,” Vegeta grumbled.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

.o.o.o.

“Well, Nappa seems nice enough but Vegeta’s certainly standoffish,” Chichi sighed.

“Yeah, but Piccolo was like that and he’s nice now. And Tien insulted us a lot more when we first met him!” Kakarrot said.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing or even that he’s bad, I’ve just met him,” Chichi said. “Though…you might not want to go overboard with the friendliness. You might freak him out.”

“Oh, yeah, no, learned that from Piccolo,” Kakarrot laughed, a baritone yelp of ‘your smile is starting to freak me out so quit it!’ echoing in his head. “Some people are just allergic to cheer. And I don’t want to affect any of Vegeta’s stats by making him nervous.”

“Do you think we’ll be able to help with that Freeza guy?” Chichi asked.

“I don’t know,” Kakarrot said. “I really do want to fight him, even if it’s just to help Raditz fight him for what he did…but it’ll take a lot of training!”

“A whole lot,” Chichi agreed. “The only epic level people we know are Kami and Piccolo Sr. and technically we don’t ever really…well, _beat_ Piccolo Sr. we just kick him around until he thinks we’re too much trouble and gives up and decides to start planning how to apologize to Kami.”

“I liked the time he actually got Kami flowers. That was nice of him.”

“They’re such a mess. Poor Piccolo and Dende,” Chichi sighed.

“I’ll say. Piccolo’s got to be tough to grow up with them fighting all the time and figure out who he wants to be in the meantime,” Kakarrot said. “Strong character. Makes me glad he’s Gohan’s babysitter.”

“That and the Namekian tendency to get _really_ pissed off when you hurt kids they consider under their protection,” Chichi said.

“Yep, that’s great too,” Kakarrot said.

.o.o.o.

“I don’t like them,” Piccolo decided of the newcomers.

Dende scoffed, “You don’t like anyone, brother.”

“I like you. And Gohan. Kakarrot on a good day,” Piccolo argued.

“Good thing you didn’t try to be a sorcerer like Dad, you’re bad a Charisma checks,” Dende said.

“First off, I could not be a sorcerer like my sire because I was not born with magic, I would have had to be a wizard,” Piccolo said. “And second, little sorcerer, hitting things can be _fun_.”

“I already know that,” Dende said. “I just hit things with magic.”

“…I never thought about it like that,” Piccolo admitted.

.o.o.o.

“Still getting ready for tomorrow?” Raditz yawned as Yamcha stuffed more potions into his travel belt.

“Hey, need to be prepared,” Yamcha replied.

“Bring the sword.”

“Why? I’m pretty much the last person in the group we’ve got to be a frontline fighter,” Yamcha pointed out.

“Yeah, but it’s hot.”

“…Fine,” Yamcha sighed, digging out his bandit’s scimitar and placing it on the pile of clothes for tomorrow. “You’re eager.”

“Hey, two of my old friends are alive after all, want to join the guild, and I get to show off for them tomorrow,” Raditz said. “What’s not excitement-inducing there, smart guy?”

“That they could be playing us?” Yamcha asked dryly.

“Look, I know these guys. And yeah, it was a long time ago-”

“When you were _kids_ ,” Yamcha inserted.

“Yeah, yeah,” Raditz said, waving his hand. “Look, I’m sure they’re legit, okay?”

“Legit and apparently in need of showing off for,” Yamcha chuckled, undressing. He ignored the intentionally-overloud appreciative hum Raditz made. “But seriously, are you trying to hide nerves or something?”

“Nerves?” Going by the slight crack in Raditz’s voice he was right on the money.

“Yeah, like, you want to look good in front of your old pals, want them to think you’re awesome,” Yamcha said casually.

“Please, Yams, what do I have to worry about?” Raditz asked, laying on his back and folding his arms under his head.

Yamcha wandered over and sprawled out on top of Raditz, “Don’t know, that you’re not the tallest guy in the bunch anymore? Seriously, Nappa’s got at _least_ half a foot on you…”

“Shut up!” Raditz complained. He rolled over, half-pinning Yamcha to the mattress beneath him. “Do I look small from here, bandit?”

“Never said you were small, jerk,” Yamcha laughed.

“Damn right you didn’t,” Raditz grumbled. “Should pin you here all night, get the message across.”

“Dude, we need to sleep!” Yamcha laughed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Raditz huffed, curling his tail around Yamcha’s leg anyway. “Seriously, though, tomorrow’s going to be fun.”

“Sure, sure let me sleep,” Yamcha yawned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exposition, exposition spell shit out A-S-A-P....  
> Given how in canon Raditz and Yamcha are exposition machines, weird to see Nappa outdoing them. I'm sure they'll get another go later.   
> Next time: we finally get to the quest of the day!


	6. Gone Questing

“So, any idea on how this will go?” Nappa asked Vegeta. “Been a while since we raided anything.”

“I’m not sure,” Vegeta mused. He also couldn’t recall a time they’d raided anything already abandoned. “I suppose there will be a lot of traps.”

“Sounded like it,” Nappa agreed, checking his armor. “Think this’ll be fun?”

“Depends on how abandoned it really is.” Vegeta really wanted to fight something after all. Compare his skills to those of the guild. 

“Yeah…maybe we’ll get lucky and there are golems or something, not just animals that crept in after the people left,” Nappa said.

“Oh, that could be good,” Vegeta agreed.

“So…this bunch seems a bit…eccentric,” Nappa noted.

“Agreed,” Vegeta said. “Raditz and Kakarrot show no discipline at all…”

“To be fair, neither of them was in an army,” Nappa admitted as they headed for the main hall.

Vegeta sighed, “Still, they seemed to treat the situation semi-professionally. We can probably expect a similar blend of casual and professional when-”

“Darn it, Puar, _get out of there!”_

Nappa smothered a snicker as they hurried out into the hall to find Raditz frantically combing his hands though his hair. Kakarrot was laughing and Yamcha looked bemused but was trying to help Raditz anyway. Tien just watched.

Suddenly the blue cat from dinner shot out of Raditz’s hair and just hovered in front of everyone. “Jeez, no need to be rough about it!”

“…Good morning!” Nappa announced loudly, probably an effort to diffuse the scene.

Everyone looked at them for a moment. Raditz seemed mortified and Yamcha looked like he was getting close.

“Stay _out_ of my hair,” Raditz said firmly to the cat, obviously trying to regain composure.

“No,” Puar said. “I’m travelling in _somebody’s_ hair and Yamcha’s wearing a stupid ponytail so I won’t fit in his.”

“Puar, I have to pull my hair back to check for traps,” Yamcha explained.

“Right, so I’ll hang out in Raditz’s while we’re on the road.”

“No one needs to carry you, you can fly,” Yamcha said.

“But I _want_ to nap,” Puar said. “Raditz’s hair is nice and thick, blocks all the sunlight. So I’m napping in there.”

“Like hell you are,” Raditz said.

“Oh just let her do it,” Tien said. “Puar, we run into a random encounter on the road and you get hurt being in there, it’s your own fault.”

Puar yawned, stretching, “Yeah, I can deal with that.”

With that said the cat dove back into Raditz’s hair.

“…The worst part it, unlike Yamcha, even if you wore a ponytail she could still do that,” Kakarrot snickered.

“Shut up,” Raditz huffed.

“So,” Vegeta asked, desperate to stay on track. “Where is our objective?”

“Half a day that way,” Tien said, gesturing to his left. West, then, if Vegeta remembered the building layout properly.

“Riding or walking?” Nappa asked.

“Mostly riding, assuming Kakarrot gets a dinosaur to cooperate,” Raditz said.

“Don’t worry, the Rexes love me!” Kakarrot said.

.o.o.o.

“…How is this loving him?” Nappa asked as the dinosaur chased Kakarrot around the clearing.

“Puar explained it once,” Raditz said. “Something about respecting him enough to see him as a challenge. That thing _could_ have eaten him like ten times by now but didn’t.”

“Eleven,” Yamcha noted as Kakarrot punched it in the nose. “It’s his way of respecting them back or whatever. I’m not sure, usually when I’m around a T-Rex my Plan A is to avoid the teeth.”

“…Wise plan,” Nappa decided.

“Are we going to be here all day?” Vegeta asked.

“Tien, go tell Kakarrot to hurry it up,” Raditz said.

“Fine,” Tien said, activating the Fly spell in his belt and leaping into the air, “Hey! We need to get moving!”

“Huh, so he can fly too?” Nappa asked.

“Yeah. Crane school was all about flying assassins,” Raditz said. “Freaking _annoying_ if you don’t have ranged weapons.”

The T-Rex rolled over onto its back and Kakarrot hopped up onto its belly, scratching the scales with his boot, “Okay, we’re good!”

“So that’s a ranger’s way with animals…” Vegeta mused as they made their way over to the new group mount.

“Kakarrot’s always been good at this. The man tamed a sentient _cloud_ ,” Yamcha said.

“Wait, what?” Nappa asked.

“Its name is Nimbus,” Raditz added as they climbed up onto the dinosaur.

“Well then why aren’t we using that? Can it not serve as a mount?” Vegeta asked.

“Nimbus is _really_ picky,” Kakarrot said. “It likes me and Chichi just fine, but Krillin and Yamcha could only get on once in a while, Raditz has never managed to get on, and it _actually rained_ on Bulma.”

“Wow,” Nappa said. “…Where do sentient clouds come from?”

“I don’t know, but it comes if I call,” Kakarrot said.

“…Clouds don’t have ears,” Nappa noted after tapping his chin for a moment. “How does it hear you?

“Don’t know,” Kakarrot admitted.                               

“Can we please not think about the logistics of the sentient cloud?” Tien asked. “I’m still not even sure how anyone can stand on what _should_ be water vapor. To say nothing of hanging on when it goes upside down…”

“That’s what you get for mixing magic and science,” Raditz said, shrugging.

“Then why does it work when Bulma does it?” Tien asked.

“She’s a wizard, they do wacky stuff with magic all the time!” Yamcha said. “I mean she uses a periodic table to make elementals!”

“That actually sounds rather interesting,” Vegeta admitted.

“You do _not_ want to know what happens when she breaks out tungsten,” Tien chuckled. “That stuff is _heavy_.”

“Or worse, tungsten elementals plus a Haste spell,” Raditz said. “Great for training, though.”

“Unless somebody’s not paying attention and gets squashed and needs a senzu bean,” Kakarrot said.

“Well yeah, dude, but that hasn’t happened in years,” Raditz said. “…Vegeta, Nappa, don’t get crushed by tungsten elementals.”

“I’ll resist the urge,” Vegeta said. “How do you know where this place is, anyway?”

“Oh, we’re the reason it’s abandoned,” Yamcha said. “The Red Ribbon Army’s retreated to the south for now.”

“Honestly with how often they do it in the winter they may as well be snowbirds,” Tien said.

“True,” Yamcha agreed. “See, the god of the Dragonback Mountains is Shenron. He has these orbs that can grant one wish per year. The army only ever moves in once the orbs are active and goes home if someone beats them to it.”

“A wish?” Vegeta asked.

“Yeah,” Kakarrot said. “Like maybe a few free Resurrection spells, or some new feats…Shenron says he used to get to do a lot more but other gods thought he was stepping on their toes. Mostly he sticks to restoring recently damaged places or people now.”

“I’ll never understand deity politics,” Raditz said.

“Well we _are_ mortals,” Nappa said.

“Yeah…dumb incomprehensible gods…” Raditz muttered.

.o.o.o.

After several hours of riding—with Tien constantly getting fed up with his fellow passengers’ insanity and taking flight breaks—they finally reached the lair.

“Not very well fortified,” Vegeta noted. “I’ll assume the traps are well hidden?”

“Yep,” Yamcha said, peering around carefully as he crept forward. “Okay…not seeing much yet…pretty sure all the red tiles on the walkway are cursed though, use the white ones.”

“You’d think they’d make their namesake color the safe one,” Vegeta grumbled.

“Probably too obvious,” Tien said.

“Anything behind the front door?” Kakarrot asked.

“Checking,” Yamcha said. “Okay, think it’s good to pick.”

While Yamcha went at the lock, Kakarrot turned to the others, “So, anyone have a preference for how we do this?”

“I’d vote putting Raditz and I up front with the rogue,” Vegeta said. “Then the assassin, then you and Nappa bring up the rear.”

“Makes sense,” Raditz agreed. “You need to be on the left to draw that sword?”

“Yes,” Vegeta said.

The large doors creaked open.

“Who’s got an awesome dexterity check?” Yamcha asked.

“You,” Raditz said, before sticking his hand into his hair. “Rise and shine, Puar, we’re here—ow!”

“Dude, never wake a cat up by swatting them,” Kakarrot said.

“Sure, tell me _now_ ,” Raditz mumbled as they went inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dino rides are awesome, end of the story.


	7. Vegeta Causes Trouble

“This is _boring_ ,” Vegeta said.

“I can _stop_ checking for traps,” Yamcha offered. “Maybe this will be more fun if you’re poisoned. Or full of needles. Or impaled.”

Raditz swallowed nervously. It had taken less than an hour for Yamcha and Vegeta to start sniping at each other. Vegeta wanted to do something other than walk and wait for traps to be disarmed, Yamcha was too good at disarming traps for anything to go wrong…so they were kind of on opposite sides of the issue.

“Wait, one of those could have impaled us?” Kakarrot asked nodding back down the hall.

“Two,” Yamcha said, still working on something at the wall. “One of which would also have poisoned you.”

“Welcome to ‘traps made by assassins 101’,” Tien chuckled.

“Okay, we’re good,” Yamcha said, pulling away from the wall.

“What would that one have done?” Nappa asked.

“Poisoned shuriken from three slots in the wall and a big hammer that could drop from the ceiling,” Yamcha said.

“…Thorough,” Nappa said.

“Are we going to fight anything or not?” Vegeta asked. “How are Nappa and I supposed to show our skills?”

“Maybe we’re looking for your not-whining skills,” Tien offered, seemingly fed up himself.

“What did you say?” Vegeta demanded.

“And apparently need to fail you on listen checks,” Tien added.

“Can you not?” Raditz asked as Vegeta clenched his fists.

“Fine,” Tien said, shrugging. “But seriously, we’re bound to run into something eventually and complaining won’t make it get here sooner.”

“Okay!” Raditz said before Vegeta could yell whatever expletives were about to come out of the furious prince’s mouth. “We get it!”

“So…I’ve actually been making pretty good spot checks and no one is behind us,” Nappa said.

“Guys, bro, don’t fight,” Kakarrot said. “Come on, Vegeta, we’re on a quest. Something’s going to go wrong _eventually_ , even if Yamcha stops all the traps.”

Vegeta folded his arms and grumbled.

“Thanks, Kakarrot,” Raditz sighed. “Okay. Yams, keep doing what you’re doing. Vegeta, please stay calm. Tien, please stop needling Vegeta.”

“Fine,” Tien sighed.

They waited for a few minutes, Raditz very aware of the vein becoming more prominent on Vegeta’s forehead.

“And…we’re good,” Yamcha said, pushing the door open to the next room.

“Is it just me or did they make this place more maze-like since we were last here?” Tien asked.

“Who cares?” Vegeta complained, storming into the next room and leaning against the wall. “If we’re lucky there will be a random encounter on the way back and-”

As his shoulders hit the wall there was a click.

“Vegeta…don’t move,” Yamcha said.

“Great, they’re trapping random walls now,” Raditz sighed. “Can you do anything?”

“I think the trigger is the plate moving back up so if we can keep it down…” Yamcha mused, inspecting it.

“Guys!” Nappa yelled, pointing.

Across the room, a wall was sliding back to reveal two clay golems.

“Yamcha, hurry it up!” Kakarrot said, shooting an arrow at one of the golems.

“What is that going to do, they probably have damage reduction!” Vegeta complained the arrow merely sunk into the clay.

“Yeah, that’s why I charge them with ki!” Kakarrot said. As if on cue, the arrow exploded.

“Nappa, help me block these things!” Raditz said. “Tien, stabbing, now, _please_!”

“Clearly that was the trap, why do I have to stay here?” Vegeta demanded.

“The switch does _two_ things, moving will activate the second now _don’t move_!” Yamcha said. “I’ve got some adhesive in here somewhere that will hold it down…”

Vegeta grumbled at missing the combat but managed to do as he was told.

“Try to let me sneak around and flank, I’ll get more damage that way!” Tien said.

“Yeah, yeah, I hear you!” Raditz said, sinking his spiked knuckles into the chest of one golem, knocking it back. “Kakarrot!”

“Already on it!” his brother said, losing another arrow that exploded on contact. “Clay golems average, what, ninety HP?”

“Something like that,” Nappa agreed, swiping one with his flail. It turned to look at him, seeing his threat as greatest, and Tien dove behind it.

“Tien, how many rounds you need to study the opponent to make the Sneak Attack a Death Attack?” Raditz asked.

“One more,” Tien said. “But with how Nappa’s wearing it down it won’t be necessary.”

“Glad to hear,” Raditz said, swinging into to his golem again. This time the golem sung back, making him stagger. “Geez can they hit!”

“Careful when you jump it, Tien!” Kakarrot warned.

“I’ve got this,” Tien said, pulling a knife out of his sleeve. He shot forward in a Sneak Attack that tipped the golem clean over, and Nappa smashed its head in with the flail.

“You’re good to move!” Yamcha said as Kakarrot’s third arrow blew up the other golem.

“Great, when it’s all over,” Vegeta huffed.

“Don’t lean on any weird tiles, then,” Yamcha said.

“Please, like you weren’t taking your sweet time!” Vegeta complained as he stormed away from Yamcha.

Everyone went rigid as a tile depressed under his foot.

“You have got to be kidding,” Tien said.

“Duck!” Kakarrot yelled, tacking Vegeta out of the way of a needle spray.

“This is why I’m supposed to clear the room first!” Yamcha groaned as they slammed into the door, which suddenly opened the floor at Yamcha’s feet. “Oh shit!”

“Yams!” Raditz yelled, running over to grab him. He apparently failed a check somewhere as he slipped and fell down the chute with Yamcha. For good measure, the door Kakarrot and Vegeta had crashed through was quickly replaced by a solid wall.

“…This is bad,” Nappa said.

“Okay,” Tien said. “Who do we go after first…”

“We’re fine!” Raditz yelled up from down the chute. “Yamcha broke my fall!”

“Thankfully he didn’t break my bones!” Yamcha added. “Tien, you’re passable with traps. Go help Vegeta and Kakarrot, we’ll try to meet up further ahead!”

“That is a terrible plan!” Tien argued.

“But neither Vegeta nor Kakarrot can look for traps all that well…” Nappa said.

“Fine,” Tien sighed. “See you soon, hopefully!”

.o.o.o.

Raditz smiled—or seemed to, as best Yamcha could make out in the dim light. “So…now that we’re alone…”

“No. Get in front, meat shield,” Yamcha said.

“Can’t blame a Saiyan for tryin’!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's the one guy on this show  
> Who causes more trouble than anyone you know?  
> Vegeta! Vegeta!
> 
> Seriously, I knew he'd be the one to set something off. And to cause tension in the group.


	8. Looking for Regroup

 

“So what do you need me to shapeshift into?” Puar yawned.

“Anything with night vision, it’s pretty dark in here,” Yamcha explained.

“Okay,” Puar agreed, turning into an owl and perching on Raditz’s head so she had the best sight lines. “What am I looking for?”

“Anything that could be a trap,” Yamcha said.

“Still can’t believe you slept through that whole fight,” Raditz complained.

“Hey, I’m good for charisma boosts, intimidation, and sometimes minor utilities like this,” Puar said. “I’m not going to do much against golems!”

“Guessing the last command those golems had was ‘kill all intruders’ or something like that,” Yamcha mused.

“Think the RRA are planning on coming back here?” Raditz asked. “You know, soon, not eventually like they always do.”

“Maybe,” Yamcha said. “It’s another, what, five months until the dragon balls reactivate?”

“Little less I think,” Raditz said. “Still, those were pretty sturdy for clay golems. Think there will be tougher up ahead?”

“Pretty. So hit hard.”

“As if I ever don’t.”

.o.o.o

“I really don’t think we should have kept going,” Kakarrot said. He’d only followed Vegeta because he didn’t feel like telling Raditz and Nappa he’d let the guy wander off alone.

“As if Nappa or Three-Eyes was going to get through that metal wall,” Vegeta scoffed.

“I don’t know, a few good ki blasts might have done the trick,” Kakarrot said. “And Nappa’s got one hell of a strength stat, right?”

Vegeta grunted. He was apparently not a talker. Kakarrot was very glad for his experiences with Piccolo to help with this.

“Ah well,” he said, folding his arms behind his head as he did another spot check. “Raditz and Yamcha are probably happy to get some alone time anyway. Especially Raditz.”

“…Why?”

Kakarrot grinned. Luring people with vague statements was awesome. He really needed to thank Oolong for telling him about how it worked. “What do you mean why?”

Vegeta frowned, “Why would they prefer being split off from the party?”

Kakarrot grinned, “Well…you know. Alone time.”

“Wait, Kakarrot,” Vegeta said. “You are saying that Raditz and…the thief…?”

“Yamcha’s not a thief,” Kakarrot replied.

“But they’re engaged in a _serious_ relationship?” Vegeta clarified.

“Well, yeah,” Kakarrot said, confused. Didn’t Vegeta already know this? “For a few years now.”

“Hm,” the prince grunted. “How did that occur?”

“Well, Raditz liked Yamcha so Bulma told him Raditz liked him and they just kinda…yeah,” Kakarrot said. “Sort of just happened.”

“Your observational skills leave much to be desired.”

“Yeah, lot of my friends complain about my Spot Checks,” Kakarrot said. “But Raditz’s are worse, so, eh.” He shrugged and grinned.

“Great,” Vegeta said. “So, are we merely exploring or seeking an objective?”

“Exploring unless something comes up,” Kakarrot said. “So really, no need to put too much distance between us and the others.”

“Well it’s a good thing you’re only a third class warrior while I am a prince, then,” Vegeta scoffed.

“Dude, I’m not a warrior, I’m a ranger,” Kakarrot said.

“It’s the principle of the—shit,” Vegeta said as his foot made a tile sink into the floor.

“Oh, hey, more golems!” Kakarrot said. “Same strategy as last time?”

“I didn’t get to fight last time!” Vegeta snapped, drawing his sword.

“Oh, right!” Kakarrot said. “You take one, I take one, and whoever finishes first helps the other!”

Vegeta rolled his eyes at the word “help” but said nothing as he charged his target.

.o.o.o.

“So…odds on them getting themselves killed?” Nappa asked.

“Look, the Wind Blade spell takes a lot of concentration checks especially for my level, so can we not?” Tien replied. “I just need to weaken the door enough so you can bash it in and then we can go save Vegeta and Kakarrot from themselves.”

Nappa sighed. Twenty years under Freeza and it might be exploring a random abandoned base on another continent that did Vegeta in. Sure, why not?

.o.o.o.

“Who makes mini stone golems?” Raditz demanded, kicking one into a wall. “They’re just annoying!”

“I’m guessing the little metal spikes stuck into them are poisoned,” Yamcha said, using a small ki burst to knock two more aside.

“This is just weird. You’d need several _dozen_ more for this to be worrying,” Puar said, easily flying out of the golems’ reach. “And taller ones if targets can fly like me.”

A golem ineffectually flailed its arms upwards to prove her point.

“Uh-huh,” Raditz said. “Maybe they had budget cuts.”

“Seriously, how are these people functioning well enough to _have a budget_?” Yamcha asked. “Whenever they show up we kick their asses!”

“Oolong has this really neat theory he calls ‘offstage villain dark matter’,” Raditz said.

“Oh boy, what’s this on?” Yamcha asked, kicking another golem into a wall.

“Well, it’s just a thing about how villains that get their butts kicked and their stuff broke always come back with more stuff,” Raditz said.

“Oolong needs to start running these metaphysical theories by Bulma, maybe we can get some of that,” Yamcha said.

“I think it only works if they’re evil,” Raditz said.

“That’s lousy.”

.o.o.o.

Vegeta felt much better after the golems were broken at their feet. “That was pathetic.”

“I don’t know, I think we both could use a potion…crap, Yamcha has the potions,” Kakarrot muttered.

Vegeta snorted. Of course. And because the third class was a Saiyan, he couldn’t use healing spells despite being a ranger. What a waste of his class.

“I think we should probably wait for Tien and Nappa. Tien has a wand with weak healing spells, maybe he can spam that?” Kakarrot wondered.

“If you took so much damage from the fight that you need healing already, you’re useless,” Vegeta said.

Kakarrot frowned, looking offended, “Says the guy who took twice as many hits as me.”

“I was close to our opponents. Your bow allowed you to keep your distance.”

“Uh….huh,” Kakarrot said.

“Prince Vegeta, Kakarrot!”

“Oh, hey, you caught up!” Kakarrot said as Nappa and Tien rushed into the room. “Now we just need to find Yamcha and Raditz.”

“What the hell did you get into?” Tien asked, looking them over. “Cure Light Wounds.”

Kakarrot grinned as some of his injuries healed, “Thanks!”

“Uh-huh. Didn’t hear an explanation,” Tien said. “Cure Light Wounds.”

Vegeta snorted as his own injuries mended slightly, “Two more golems.”

“Place must be crawling with them. Bulma thought they were going for more constructs…” Tien sighed. He tossed another “Cure Light Wounds” at Vegeta.

“So, what’s the plan now?” Nappa asked.

“We need to regroup,” Kakarrot said. “Yamcha has the potions and I doubt Tien has too many more healing spells in that wand.”

Tien put two more notches into the wand, “Got six left. Going to need to buy a new one off the Teens when they come by again.”

“Why would you not bring a fully charged wand?” Vegeta demanded.

“Because Yamcha has potions!” Tien argued. “…And is not here.”

“We should press on. It’s what Raditz and the rogue are doing,” Vegeta said. “We may find some stairs up ahead and they can come up through those.”

“Should probably be ready for more golems,” Tien added.

“I’m at full health, so I can try to take the hits,” Nappa said.

“You do that,” Vegeta grumbled.

.o.o.o.

“So we’ve has six rooms, eight booby traps, a ton of mini golems, and no stairs,” Raditz said.

“I’d take a ladder. Heck, a rope,” Yamcha sighed.

“There a chance of you shapeshifting into a snake and us climbing that?” Raditz asked Puar.

“Do you have any idea how much that would hurt?” she replied.

“Not really. Don’t know much about snakes.”

“Think I might have something here,” Yamcha said, examining a wall.

“Trap?” Raditz asked.

“Trigger?” Puar tried.

Yamcha frowned, “No, I think it’s a-”

The wall suddenly spun, dumping them into a tiny stairwell.

“Nice work!” Raditz said.

“Thanks,” Yamcha said.”…That was used recently.”

“You think?” Raditz asked.”

“Yeah,” Yamcha said, checking the stairs for traps. “Trick doors like that settle when unused but it moved easily. Someone else is here. No wonder the traps are so well armed.”

“We’d better find the others then,” Raditz said. “Who knows who Red sent to come skulking around…”

“Yeah, we’d better—what the hell!” Yamcha yelped, dodging a ki blast.

“…His bad!” Kakarrot said, pointing at Vegeta.

“How was I to know it was them?” the prince demanded.

“Took a while getting back up here, huh?” Tien asked Yamcha.

“Apparently long enough for Vegeta to start blasting at random stuff, what did we miss?” Raditz asked as Yamcha tried to talk Puar out of hissing at Vegeta.

“Golems. Golems. And, oh yeah, golems,” Nappa said.

“Same,” Yamcha said. “But someone’s here, the traps have been set too well and secret doors used recently.”

“But who?” Kakarrot asked.

“Like we’re not going to find out soon enough,” Tien noted as they regrouped and started on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the final boss! Who is it? How will they be handled? Will Vegeta make more trouble? Well, that last one's probably a yes!


End file.
